Holiday Season

The Holidays are quickly approaching, and I'm as cynical as ever, if not more so. Thanksgiving is out of the way, and while I didn't hear from the girls the night of, I did get to talk to them the next day. I miss them, and always will. I'll miss the people they were, and I'll miss them changing into the women they'll become. Maybe not completely, but enough of the process that I don't know if they'll still seem like "mine". Still, it could be worse, with everything else wrong, at least I'm comfortably warm, most of the time, and despite no car, or license, or job, or material possessions (what I own fits in half of a duffel bag), I'm at least relatively comfortable, and in relatively good health.

To change gears a bit, I had a great time last night, a winter bonfire, lots of discussion, mostly about nothing, and towards the end, after I went back inside, a riveting discussion with an intelligent lovely young lady. When I was stationed in Kuwait I had the opportunity to go to Egypt, Jordan and Israel on a tour, and I've been able to tell my friends about it, but never really discuss it with anyone but my friend Chuck, who went with me, and actually gets the credit for planning and organizing the trip. Well, she had the opportunity to study abroad with BYU and travel the Holy Land as well, (and Egypt), and so we were able to talk about it quite a bit last night, it was wonderful. It gives me hope at a time where it's been largely absent in my life. There's a lot to mourn still, and a lot of things that are still overpowering me with hopelessness... simply too much of the elephant to eat (one bite at I time, I know, but I like to step back and measure progress, and it's agonizingly little, and slow). Anyway, she's a fan of Shel Silverstein (who isn't?) a teacher, at least for the rest of the year, well educated, and someone I feel is an intellectual equal, and that makes me want to be better spiritually. I don't expect it to advance, or become a relationship or anything like that, but I do have an idea of where to be looking, and the caliber of woman I'm interested in.

She was also annoyed/embarrassed/reminded of a painful situation when another person there asked if she had been married before, she reluctantly admitted that yes, she was divorced, and I was quick to assure her that I felt there was no issue with that. I understand the stigma within the church, people always question what you did wrong to cause it, especially in a high LDS area, less so where they're more separated and there's less of a "mormon culture" around. I don't know for sure the source of her discomfort with the question, and I won't know until she decides to illuminate me, not something I'll push for, because I know how that can feel if you're not ready to share. I don't know that we'll ever get to that point, and I'm ok with that. I just want... well improvement in my situation, a finalizing of the divorce, (4 1/2 years it's been)... I'll consider trying to make it more once I'm free. until then, it's a dishonesty I'm not willing to commit again. I know the reason my ex hasn't signed anything is because it's still the ONE thing she still has that gives her any power over me. I'm hoping there will be some legal option here to finalize things, whether or not she wants to sign.